Overwhelmed

In truth, I sometimes feel like everything is too much. As I want to become this version of myself who looks way more stable and confident, I see I am not there yet. I do not punish myself for it. Not anymore at least. That is a big victory I don’t celebrate enough. I do feel a sense of being stuck or wrapped in some kind of invisible blanket. Maybe it is fear, but it seems so unclear. Whatever it truly is, it makes me go back and forth. And think again and again.

The habit of overthinking is hard to break when you truly think you need more answers to move forward. I do know that is not true. I can take one step at a time. As my mind whispers the need to have more clarity, I stop and look around. But with all that looking I became more lost than I was before. I wondered what I was thinking about and what I was supposed to do. I find myself remembering and walking alongside the path I desire to take. With my hand in doubt and confusion, I think I need to hold on a little longer. I find myself losing time to unclear moments and everything can seem to be lost.

But nothing is lost if I let go of that confusion I followed for so long. The emptiness that I believe to find can scare me. What if I can not find my way out? What if there is no way out? I am already lost, so what does it matter?

Every day, I can find myself in such a moment. I let myself fool my thoughts and fill my mind with confusion. I find myself scrolling and stopping with scrolling. Having hyperfocus and even then I can question my passion. Is it real? Is it a fantasy? Am I just living in a dream that I made up? I know it is true, but sometimes I appear to run away from the truth and hide in the uncertainties. Just because I let them take me everywhere for so long.

Uncertainties are not bad. They are not something that holds me back, honestly not. Even though I seem to repeat it to myself, I still move forward. I am still making progress. So why even do this? Why even listen to doubts like that? I have never really stood still, even when I thought I did. I have hidden away, but the moments I came out in the light I didn’t even recognize it. I was blind for the steps.

I think what helped is to really sit with it, or walk with it. Writing it all on paper is also a healing practice. Sometimes I am just scared. And I don’t want to say it out loud, so I hide. But being scared is okay. I am safe. I am blessed. I am free. I am alive.

I may feel my emotions and see them. Recognize them and allow them to come and go.

I thought for a long time that there would be a moment when everything changed. I would have learned enough to say I am not falling down anymore. But waiting on that moment is not loving yourself. Life is happening and even if you are scared, you can find a way to dance in the rain. To discover the beauty in between these doubts.