From irritation to Finding Your Way Back to Calm and Connection

Yesterday, I walked outside with frustration cooking inside of me. I knew I didn’t want it and tried to let it go. I felt the uncomfortable feelings inside of me. Itching in my skin. Telling me to shake it off, but it didn’t go. It was sticky and remained with me for the entire walk. I expected it would go because I knew what I felt. I knew what it was. Thoughts filled inside me while I tried to make sense of my maze of impressions.

Frustration comes from irritation. How justified it may be. Irritation comes from expectations, you might have of a person close to you or work together with. Sometimes things don’t work the way you want. Still, you don’t have full control over someone. You only have that control over yourself.

How do you act when things don’t go your way? Do you get angry or frustrated, because you clearly said how it was supposed to go? You clearly told them. You even took time to be patient. You made sure everything was talked out. You might think nothing would go wrong. Nothing would go differently. But you forgot you are dealing with another human being. Someone with their own interpretations and views. Or it was with yourself, but you sometimes need a break too. To be able to see things clearly again. Being angry at yourself won’t fix what is hard to do. So what can you do? 

Sense the emotion

Somehow you might feel the tension in your hands. Your body might feel tight. Eyebrauws that rest on your eyelids. Short breaths and a different voice than you normally have. You might use shorter sentences. You feel the discomfort of a situation. This was not how it was supposed to go.

For me, I started to sense it today, an emotion of frustration with all of the discomfort I could have. I had an expectation of an outcome that fed into my emotions. Then, somewhere I lost my control and I felt something I didn’t want to feel. But I didn’t ask myself to breathe. I walked with the frustration knowing I wouldn’t gain anything from it. But I did recognize and label my emotion. That gave me a choice to act on my emotion or think about what I want and what is important at the moment. 

Breathe

You gotta breathe. When you sense your emotion. Breathe the tension out because the tension can hurt you and the other more than you realize at the moment. When you breathe, you give yourself a little pause to collect yourself. And you can allow the other to collect themself. In that moment, you might be able to see the other more and yourself as well. What is happening? In this small pause, you might get recognition for what you are feeling and you can label the emotion. Now you are in control again. 

What is important to me now?

When asking this you might think about it for a moment, but you will definitely find an answer. You have a reason why you got irritated and frustrated. It means you care for something. A result of a situation.

Why is it important to you? If you know why you can set steps that are realistic to achieve. Then you might see that you don’t need to be frustrated anymore because you know what to do now. Take the steps and you will get there. But if you don’t really know why you got frustrated, you might to need reflect on what is truly important now. Is it the result or is it you? When you get frustrated, you get lost in emotion and answers will struggle to come. You are not open-minded now. 

So maybe it is time to take a pause and do something else. You will not lose your progress by rest. If you can find a solution now, you can also find it later. Do something completely different, just to take your mind off it.

Maybe take a short walk. Listen to a podcast. Drink water. I forget to drink water. Especially when I am super focused. Eat if you forgot. Draw something, play a game. When you come back, you will see clearer. You might feel lighter. Do you see the questions you need answers to? Then you know what to do. Start small. Maybe come up with smaller questions to answer the bigger ones. 

Your well-being is more important than a question not answered. If you break your mind, you need rest. Your mind, your body, and your soul need care. And you may listen to the signs. 

What can I do to help me and the other?

Can I solve it now or do we need a little space to clear the tension cloud around us? Can I find kindness to tell what I need or can I only say I need time to gather clarity? What will help me most now? And if there is someone else, what will help the other? Is the question I asked too important to wait? If so can I find my information somewhere else I haven’t tried yet?

It is not helpful to push yourself or someone else. When you are both under tension, the other person will possibly not come up with the best solution now. You don’t have control over anybody else but you. Your actions are what you can control. How you react to someone else and deal with the situation is up to you. You might want to point fingers, but that will not remove the tension within. 

And if you are the one who wants something from yourself that doesn’t go to plan, then you might need to take a break. You can only think as clear as your mind is. In my situation, I chose to get help, because I couldn’t do it by myself. I was only getting more frustrated and would possibly hurt the other person mentally. I didn’t want to do that, so in my frustration, it was best to ask for help. Even though the other person didn’t get the result that was the goal first, the best choice was to choose for a peace of mind. So we agreed on something new. That way the most tension faded away quickly. 

Sometimes, you deal with someone who can’t think as fast as you. You could get mad at them and make them feel bad about their abilities or even something else. You will still have frustration and it will possibly only build each time you try a similar question or with a situation.

Not enough information or too much, can cause an explosion in someone’s mind. This will not help you or the other. How hard or unfair it might seem if you have the ability to make information clear to somebody with a little extra intention. You might find it will make it easier for both people.

And the funny thing is, you can do that with everyone. If you are intentional with your words, you can communicate more easily. Even though I know this, I fall into the trap of expecting someone to understand something I didn’t explain clearly. Sometimes, I wish people close to me could read my mind, but how close they may be. They mostly can’t. Especially when I am not intentional and clear enough with my cues. 

We can expect someone to understand something or expect ourselves to do something we struggle with. Putting pressure on ourselves or someone else will often go in the unwanted direction. Even if something seems easy, we may take more time to do the work in the way we want. We may take a rest when we don’t think clearly anymore. We may take time to do something else, just to give our brain a break. We may try again. Each moment is a chance.

When we feel ourselves going in a spiral it is good to identify what we feel and feel it. Breathe the tension out and dare to let go. Then we can do what we want to put our minds to. 

Each day is a lesson and sometimes I don’t want to learn. I want to yell or cry or act irrationally, but maybe I can say to myself. You have the freedom to feel what you feel and do what you want to do, but sometimes you need to find an outlet that will not harm others and yourself. Sometimes, you need to say: You can yell later at the sky, but not at them. The ones that are also trying to understand you.

You can cry hysterical when you are in your safe space and no one will stop you and you can let it out. Sometimes, you need to take yourself by hand and say: ‘Come. You are safe. You can do this. You can try, and if you need to, you can let it out in a safe place. Because crying and screaming will not give you what you want. You have to take a deep breath and try just try. You are not hopeless.’

You are not hopeless

I hope you will recognize the signs your body and mind will tell you and that you dare to listen to them. Because you are much more worthy than your practical achievements and goals.