A sea of thoughts

Sea of thoughts, acrylic on wood

Sometimes I don’t feel energized and in the flow. It seems that everything I do works against me. Nothing feels right even though I can finish multiple things on my to-do list. I try to do more because I don’t feel accomplished by anything I do. 

I just want to pick up something creative and finish something. A sketch a drawing or a painting. I know things take time, so I don’t expect to finish something big. A small work will be good as well. Once I sit down, I already feel uneasy. Nothing feels right and every idea flies away. I try to hold on, but it disappears. Just let me create something. 

I start to wander and get distracted by thoughts and my phone. All of these images get me in this trace. Inspiration is maybe in there. I look around, but without any goal, I lose time and focus. Blurry visions come and don’t leave. I take a deep breath, but even in that moment, there is no clarity. 

I sat for far too long, now it feels like I have done nothing. Everything is wasted and there is no idea. Nothing. Nothing. Please give me something. There is only emptiness and chaos all at once. I will not be able to create something new. So I walk away from the table and get outside. 

The frustration and the feeling of being lost keep me company. It just doesn’t leave. Let me see. Please. Let me see. I feel myself tearing up, but nothing comes. Please let me see. I look up and close my eyes. Okey I’ll be silent. I take a deep breath. Everything is coming out. I keep on talking and stop judging everything that is coming up. Then a small thought arises. I see there up in the sky, a moon and the reflection in the water. It ripples while fish swim around. They are black and merge in the background. The water glisters in the light of the moon. A sea of thoughts. That is something. 

I see it clearly. It is an idea. Is it good enough? Why should it be? It is an idea. 

I sometimes keep swimming in a sea of thoughts. I get lost. While trying to judge or convince myself. It will go on and on if I feed it with more and more thoughts. Breathing and stillness is the only thing that can quiet me and my mind.

Even though I finished this. It wasn’t something that went as smoothly as my other works. Every step made me wonder: Is this good, or this? Should I add more or not? I even took out my iPad to try out some ideas. There is nothing wrong with that, it is just that I didn’t seem convinced by any of my ideas. 

This was a challenge, but I kept trying and it did bring me a result. Even though I am not in love with it. It did help with my creative block. 

Sometimes we need to rest, but when you don’t want to, things will get more difficult. Eventually, your body will create something that makes you rest. So I was definitely stubborn, because I knew it. 

It is okay to rest. It is okay to not go above and beyond. Be happy with what you have. Be grateful. That I will try to remember. 

Can I be silent? All the words are loud. Can I listen? All the voices are blurred.

My mind is racing. I can't paint, draw, write, think, or do anything at all. It is too much. Did I lose my inspiration? Did I lose my way?

I wanted to do so much. I wanted to try it all. But of course, I lost my way in my sea of thoughts. All I needed to do was breathe. All I needed to do was be still, and everything faded away.

Keep on practicing gratefulness and remember it is okey to rest.

Thank you for staying.