Healing love

I used to think about love when I was younger. I would walk outside happy but confused. Then I would think, maybe I am not meant for love. Maybe I should not try because I never see someone who I think, is much nicer. I do not like anyone more than anyone else. I do not see that someone is ugly. What do they mean by that? And those popular people, they are also just human.

Then I got older and started to see what others meant by beauty, but I did not like it. I started to frame myself as not beautiful. And if someone thought I was beautiful, I no longer took it as a compliment but as food for my ego. It felt good, but it did not last long. Then I doubted myself again a little later and saw that things were wrong. I did not get the love I wanted. I saw that it would not happen and yet I kept running after the recognizable things that felt good. I thought maybe the other person would change his mind and stay, but that did not happen.

After I told myself that it did not work that way, I distanced myself from people. I will have to love myself first. Only then love someone else. So I had friends in one place, but at home, I had no one. I did not show my sadness and my pain. I was happy there and in a valley at home. Every night I was lost for years. I wished my friends would understand, but they would not. They did not. Because it is my pain. I did not know that then. But I could share it, and maybe it would go away. I will never know.

Someone came back from the past. I missed that person, but I wasn't going to give myself away all at once. So much had happened and I didn't know it all. It was a nice conversation. Even though I knew things that I didn't want to experience. I thought maybe he learned. He asked to meet up and then suddenly said: 'Then it's a date.' My stomach went into a slump and a shiver went down my spine. 'Is it okay if I give you a kiss? Because that could happen.' A kiss?

He hugged me. He said I was pretty when I said no. He boarded with me. We went to the pool. He held me and I felt safe. He let me be who I am. I told a friend about this and was so happy. She said; ‘You like it, but he does that to everyone.’ She looked happy, but a bit concerned for me. ‘He hugs everyone for a long time. That's not special to him.’ Yes, I think I like him, but I'm not sure yet. I beamed, I felt. She made it clear that he does that often. I didn't know anymore. We did so many fun things. He was lying next to me and I thought it was possible. Once I said something that he understood as me wanting to date. I didn't say that and if I had asked him I wouldn't have said like that at all. But his reaction told me, I had to give myself the love I wanted.

A kiss? He didn't even want to date me back then. He did all those things with me and I let myself get so close and now he says this. We haven't seen each other for more than 1.5 years. And he wants me now. No, that's not possible. I was angry. So angry. I talked out loud about everything he had said and done. And then after a day, I walked outside in the evening and snapped. All the tears came and I couldn't stop anymore. It was over. It was really over. I couldn't go back. I have to go another way. I took a deep breath and everything was over. It hurt so much, but I was glad that it was clear now. He went his way and I went mine. I shouldn't have done something, but I felt bad and asked for advice. That was okay, but it made me say what I didn't want to do. It wasn't insulting, but I rather would have wished him luck at last.

After that, there were some attractions, but nothing came of it. One was not ready for it, and cared more about hanging out and kissing and cuddling and being close to each other than really getting to know each other. The other had such a nice sense of humour, but I lost myself in him. Every time he came into my workplace I was hypnotized. On vacation, I met someone. Actually, I kept thinking about sending him a message. He seemed like a nice person to me, but despite all the conversations through text and the moments we shared each other's dreams and activities, he thought we could not share anything. We had different lives and also lived so far apart. I respected his choice and said goodbye. Still, I don't get it. What did we do first?

Still, I am grateful for opening myself up to communication and vulnerable parts. I am grateful for the times I was understood. For the times I felt loved. For the times I discovered that some things are better in the past. That it is beautiful to feel. I am grateful that I now increasingly give myself the space to be who I want to be. I dress myself as someone from another world. I cook things that I like. I make paintings and I read books that give me insight into myself. I get to know myself more and more and see my habits, my cycles, my prisons, my dreams, my feelings, my emotions, and my hidden secrets that I had buried. I see that, I can be everything because I don't want to be one thing. I don't want a profession, a life, a kind of hobby, a sport. I want it all. So I mix it because I can mix it. I can do it all in my own way. I choose peace, I choose truth, I choose kindness. I want to learn it. I want to learn to be who I want to be. Love is who I am. I don't need anyone to radiate love. I am love. I attract love. I see love. I feel love. I am love.

And yet I want to try again. To share a life with someone. I would like to do all the silly things. I would love to make food for him. I would love to run in nature and roll down a grass hill. I would love to challenge each other. I would love to go out to dinner and watch the sunset. I would love to dress up in outfits from the Renaissance time and go to a gala. I would love to do all I do already but share some experiences. I would love to figure out a disagreement because we will have them. I would love to be honest and kind. I don't need him, I just would love to share moments with someone.

But for that I should go out, to be seen. Now I am not really visible. I am getting out to do the things I want to do, but I am not at a club, library, or public place that often. I like museums, but I am not there. Because I also fear life. The life I love to live. Small steps in the direction of my dreams.

I will get there because I am already living some dreams.

I hope you too heal where you want healing. If you want something and can envision it, you are closer than you might think.