Judging one self

I still catch myself talking down on myself, even at this moment. “Still” doing that, as if I shouldn’t have done that for a long time now. I hear the way I talk to myself and believe it for a second. I may not talk of fear. I shouldn’t talk of pain. I shouldn’t talk about my lessons while I am still learning. I am way too young to speak. I am way too young to know all my pain and the way I imprisoned myself, I have not lived long enough to be looking back at parts of me.

I seem to go back and forth about the things I want and the things I try. I stop myself and think I should do it differently. I should have different art pieces. I should talk about other subjects. I should write about spirituality in the way people think most of it. I should write about synchronicities or numerology. But I seem to be full of something else. Something I don’t want to listen to. Something I want to do later. So I believe my thoughts of what other people might rather want than what I want to try.

At this moment I sense myself getting smaller. Trying to hide in my mind. I hear myself saying this is not what you should do. This is not creating that picture in your mind. When I think about it. Some parts are true that I want to write about, but I stop myself. Because of a vague fake image, I keep reminding myself of. 

“I need to keep up the picture in my mind, to become that person. But the thoughts I have about the ideas make me happy, excited and feel true. I want to create about truth, while I also want to create about the path towards my dreams. “

As if I can’t reflect or acknowledge the way I feel or was feeling because it isn’t the way my dream looks like. But if I keep doing that I will start to distrust myself even more. I don’t listen to my emotions and feelings, so I will not let myself feel something that feels off. When something is off it will start to build and I could snap onto people that don’t mean harm. It will build up inside of me and settle in my skin. I can’t feel pain. I can’t feel sadness, so I can’t know anymore how I truly feel. I will lie to myself again and again because it isn’t happy. It isn’t the way my dream looks like. 

While I keep on going in this cycle, I am only getting further from my dream. My dream looks like being honest, and kind to myself and those around me, being authentic, being free to dance around and sing whenever I want. I wish to be conscious of myself and my surroundings. I am conscious of my thoughts and my habits. I can see a cycle and break it. With this comes seeing my ego right in the eye. A part of me that wants to keep me safe in my comfort zone. A part of me that can judge me based on past experiences. A part of me that I sometimes want to put away and bury deep under the ground. 

But burying doesn’t help either. I would put it away and it will still eat me up because I don’t listen to it. Just listen. Acknowledge the thoughts. Then they don’t have any power over me. They are seen, listened to and then said thank you to, but I now choose this. I choose to do this thing that I want to do. After some time it possibly hurts less to think of it. But I don’t know that yet. 

I try to acknowledge it, listen and then choose for me. Because what can that voice inside, mainly based on fear or trauma or any other past experience even know what’s good for me? That fear doesn’t know that. It knows fear. It knows danger. But there is no danger, I am safe. I will repeat it until I stop crying. Maybe that is someday. Maybe it is a dream. But I believe I am safe. I believe I can tell that part I am safe and it will fade, because I am not my ego. I am not fear. I am not my past. I am not my future. I choose to listen to me. 

Outside it already turned dark. I only see the light of this screen and the hands typing. I sense the pain in my throat fading. The tears on my face dried up. It is a good place to stop. Even though there is much more to say.

I hope when you find yourself judging you, you stop take a breath and listen. Is it fear talking or is it true? Is it something you can do something about or not? And remind yourself that you are safe to express yourself. And if not, your thoughts always remain yours. No one can take that from you. So create a safe loving space for you in your mind.