New ways
When I started working on this painting, I had an idea for the bunny, but the other ideas just kept coming. I started visualizing everything in my mind, what if I do it like this or like that? Something different every time, because the meaning didn't seem strong enough. I should add more to make it clearer, but whatever I came up with was completely conflicted. My head became fuller and fuller with all the ideas I wanted to work out and could not put into practice. There was still that will behind it to represent the idea more and better.
I knew the placement and position, but maybe I could try something new. Just because it's possible. I took burlap from the cupboard and used pieces of wood for the background. I used plaster for a smooth painting surface, and my unique surface was ready.
Painting the background is sometimes a challenge for me. Thinking in planes and not in small lines takes more energy. I like adding details. It's the best of all. All kinds of little lines, dots, and dashes, just the way I want it. But of course, I will have to start with a background, just because that covers it better. So that's what I did, but with every stain, it seemed like painting was more difficult than normal. My process usually flows. I have a vision that is slowly coming into focus, but not this time. The doubt and the choice of challenging textures caused friction in my body and head. I didn't know what to do anymore. Which brush to grab, and which colours do I need? Everything happened differently and slower. I spent over 2 hours looking at rabbit images for inspiration! More than 2 hours!
The doubts became even greater towards the final paint strokes. I then experimented with photos, but whatever I did it wasn't right. It was more balanced without all the other ideas. I really thought for a moment that I had used up my time. This work is supposed to be about new beginnings, but I can't get any clear symbols in it. I was satisfied with the bunny's hopeful look, but that's not clear, is it?
Then the thought popped into my head. This work is a new beginning. I chose to use textures that I never dared to use. I left it quite simple, which can be quite a challenge for me. It just depends on how I look at it... Sometimes I demand so much of myself and I don't realize that while I'm trying to be who I want to be, I'm falling into old patterns of expectations. Those expectations are never actually loving. Then I expect that I can change into that energy and be who I want, but of course, that is not possible. I have read and heard it so many times: 'You will have to let go of that old self in order to blossom and shine.' You cannot hold on to that pain and then hope that you can truly experience love. Torturing yourself does not bring you into an energy of love and self-respect. Even though things didn't go according to “plan”, they went well. It turned out beautiful and I can learn from it.
Every time it comes back to what I say to myself during and after the situation. Do I have love and respect or do I belittle myself again, because I think that only then would I remember what I don't want... While we can actually focus on what we do want. What do you want? Where are your values? How do you want to live?
Everything you wish for someone else, you can also wish for yourself. You are worth the same! Something I am finally learning to let myself live by.
If you want to read the story I came up with this painting look here
